12-10-2002

"I ask you God to rebuke from me
curse or want, work and prayer, that I
or mine, yours, be bound down to lack
of living life at all or in fullness
that God you are capable for me, us, of.

That I, we, may be properous, healthy, blessed, serving, and worshipping of Thee."

Hagan Julius Thomas

That is my name and I was born in Albany, GA March 18, 1957.
That makes me a good bit more than a teenager but not yet decrepit. Those of you who are older than me that's just a little humor not seriously meant. God, health, and exercise keep many looking as good or better than many far younger than they are.
I only wish He would let me. He is working on a little sin of pride in me right now that I am precluded however I recommend it to all. Good for you and a way to rid ourselves of some of these nursing and rest homes.

Not very much educated though I did complete high school, Pemberton Township High School, Pemberton Twsp., NJ placing in the high portion of my graduating class. As well I have attended some technical school where I studied data processing and went on to work for several years as a main-frame programmer.

I officially got saved in 1992, my second chance after I had refused God in my youth. Boy was He mad but I did not know that until I accepted the second chance. Now I am glad and God is a whole lot less mad. He is even nice to me now and willing to turn miracles for me now and reveal Himself to others, do things for them, just if I ask. Is that free or what?

I really like movies and another special thing God has given me. I think that even mad by my youth God couldn't bear to be completely separated from me so He talked to me by movies even producing for me and I am sure now also for others.
I learned alot so when God could take it no more and spoke I had some idea this more clear voice I already knew from somewhere as one I could trust. Now God and I work on a more personal relationship that I had long heard others say was the goal to be achieved and that He wants for us all with Him, individually, but in a group, Christians in Christ.
This brings me to the more physical relationship with God. Because of original sin, my part too, the flesh of man without God is on its own willing to take or give wherever it sees fit to. God says flesh without Him is sinful and willfully so. Since this is my biggest problem I ask Him to take it from me. Not to crucify it making me better than anyone else but control it for me, take it over, give my flesh and allow it be taken as He feels best and honors Him by me and another person. As I wrote this I think "Why did you ask God that?" because He has taken it over like it was His own idea all along, which it probably was. Getting me to ask was the problem. That is the other special thing God has given me or is giving me. I thought no flesh sin, sex, into heaven I would go. God spoke up and said "NO!" Jesus only is the way in to heaven. Therefore no sex without Jesus still means no heaven. I would say I am 8/10ths of the way to the sex God would like for me and to share in with me. No touching Him except where He chooses be in me as His temple. It has been difficult getting to this point as I started with professional Pastoral counseling, heard God, and have been observing where He leads me to see. Trying to have one partner in your life is a tough deal when experimenting and sampling with many is the accepted thing even for Christians. No judgement that's just how I am. God is working on it as I know now that all of His He has created and saves are like works of art and maybe some sampling where okay with Him is not bad neither is only one better.
Either way God works on that physical relationship for me. If only I could keep others from trying to give me a duplicate of their physical relationship with God or maybe without God. Share yes, exact copy no.

I will update this space as appropriate with progress.

First Update: 04/06/01: Asking for help is good when you realize you can't do it alone. I did last week.

Second Update: 05/30/01: It is good to know exactly whom God has in mind for you because they might be hiding behind someone else in fear of you, in fear of God, in hope you won't be disappointed in them. It is your job to comfort them, help them, to you. Then they may be able to help you. I think I have found this out today.

Third Update: 07/06/01: It takes two to really worship God in some of His asking and that may mean hurt for one or both in accepting God's plea or it being rejected. Because a lack of unworthiness in one thought of the other can derail a lot more than the physical doing of what God asks. Worse a new candidate must be found to complete God's will that the unworthy feels God is due and worthy of receiving. Somehow I hope that a merciful and understanding God will not have me to do the asking the next time He chooses a candidate.

Fourth Update: 07/24/01: GROWTH, MATURITY, NORMALCY, THE TRUTH OF SALVATION

Deciding that God is greater than any problem I have and in that is the right solution to any problem. Especially when the problem is I am not sure whether I like or don't like.
When God says, "You are." then you are.
For me refusing, resisting normalcy in "I am" has been like calling God a liar and not trusting in His wisdom and knowledge to know me and everything better than I know myself. In 1988 when I first began counseling and did not know God on one of my session days exasperated by a knowledge of me I could not recall having given I arrived at my therapist and in short order launched into, "I want to meet the person who thinks they know me." For good measure I added to my therapist, "It can't be you." "You don't have the time to spend studying me." I was sure anyway it was a man not a woman.
Some people now, today, say God is a woman. Maybe for some in love He adopts a tone or manner to put them at ease with Him but I hate to burst anyone's bubble but for me He is definitely a man. Maybe not physical but the spirit is.
Anyway I did meet that person who didnt think they knew me they did and I didn't know me. It was Him and I did not know the half of me. God knew and knows every secret about me even if I don't confess it to Him, ask forgiveness, or honor Him to enjoy by letting Him provide the good things for me He would and has much wanted to. Even if it is something I don't remember he knows it and how it helps me or hurts me to be me now.
This brings me to know God even better by accepting how good He is to let me know me and accept me.
All of this writing, this installment of 'About Me', is inspired by my watching Fox Kids' Power Rangers: Time Force, Digimon, and Mon Kolle Knights on 07/21/01. Even now the love of cartoons has never left me. Cartoons in God's hands like movies can teach alot and when He is right there next to me watching with me that I do not miss what He means this is when knowing Him, being His, is the best. The adult me hears from movies. Kid me hears from cartoons while adult me eavesdrops and pretends he doesn't hear but on this occasion he decided to say "I heard that."
Some very nice people some I don't even know have been trying, successfully I might add, to help adult me say "I heard that." God can do truly wonderful things by prayer to Him for another, even the unexpected. A sin they had been asking God to remove to save me instead He has shed Grace on, maybe huge amounts, in Jesus to say to me, "You may have this free from me to you but only from me." "No getting on your own." I believe that happened just one day earlier, 07/20, when the image of a person God has made and abundantly blessed got through to me inside not just to my surface that abundance God wants me to have from Him I should be normal in admiration and acceptance of it and all His giving. The what it is. The abundance of it. That I am normal in that accepting and abnormal apart from that. This may be hard to understand even provoke thought of sin to some if you well read between the lines but to me it is important to God that I know and accept that to me He is saying by His want to give and abundantly like this, "Hagan, I Love You." My reply is "I Love You back Lord."

I Corinthians 13:11-13 NKJV

Up until 07/20 I was a child even though not the age of a child. When that abundant image, blessed, got through adult me said, "I heard that." and I think meant I can live with and let this child, both me, be Saved, live, love and be loved, be fed.
God helped the kid me explain it to me on 07/21.

Besides "I Love You back Lord." should be "Father, Thank You."
Love, Hagan

Fifth Update: 08-19-01: (Covering 08-11 thru 08-17)

08-11-01: First came 07-20-01, "I heard that." Now God is pleased in that I may add "I said that." What did I say, I said, "It would be good to receive as I hear." As God wants give so by me He would continue in being pleased by my receiving His way and not my way. His way is full of joy and appreciation he is pleased to be received that way.
Giant step taken, together, of giving actually being attempted. Me to receive.
it can mean to be cared for by God in His choosing like this: Matthew 6:8-15 NKJV

...For your Father knows the things you have need of before you ask Him. In this manner, therefore, pray:
Our Father in heaven,
Hallowed be your name.
Your kingdom come.
Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our debts,
As we forgive our debtors.
And do not lead us into temptation,
But deliver us from the evil one.
For yours is the kingdom and the power and
the glory forever. Amen.

For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
But if you do not..., neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

it can be a love that is angered, hurt, by your unwillingness to receive it fully, let it understand your needs and fill them only by Him.

08-14-01: "For Me - For Me"
Zechariah 7:5 NKJV

As God has saved me and for his need further wants to I must live and live in thought whether my fasting from sin is for him or is it for me. In the verse God asks do you(I) do for me(God) - for me meaning I think do I do all the good he asks and needs even tough for me to do because he says so and because it is good for God that I do it without sin for him. That I may grow to become a better Christian who receives for God and God's way I think I should begin ask where I have doubt do I do this or anything for God - for God. That will indoubtedly change my perspective on the things I currently do not do and those that I currently do. My hope is I will become a greater Christian whom God is willing to give to for Himself and that I will let Him thinking "for me - for me(God)" even where previously I have been saying in the dark place of me, "No God I don't want you." Not literally God but God by what He asks of me to do and know Him, have Him. I have to let Him in that place to really give over control of me and accept God & Grace.
God replies to this thinking, sight, "Trust, Hagan."


08-16-01: Today is a special day. Better than a letter is communication the subject of which honestly given says to me in reflection, "I am willing to trust you." it is a big thing, trust, from which God cvan grow much, anything you need.

...He heeded their prayer, because they put their trust in Him.
I Chronicles 5:20 NKJV

... What it is when God wants you to have anything you want and does so bad He makes it your fault when you don't.
That is quite a problem. What to ask God for when He will settle for nothing less than "Everything".